So a long time ago I posted my magnum opus to Newgrounds. Now, take in mind this was a long time ago -- 2010 to be exact -- and my magnum opus has since changed hands many a time. In comparison, this work (entitled "Subconsciousness") probably sucks even compared to the most dull, rushed pieces on CoA. Probably.
I say "probably" because I've never actually read the thing since 2010. You see, it was the first time I had ever posted something that I made so genuinely for the critique of others. And so when I was told the truth, that it was "okay" (not even that it sucked) I had fled the scene embarrassed, and never touched down on it again.
I just didn't know how to deal with criticism at the time -- I had only been writing at this point for a little over a year and the idea of having someone else critique your work seemed alien to me. Even to this day, I refuse to read the actual responses to the piece.
However, I do intend to read the piece itself; after Newgrounds had recently found its place back into my mind I remembered this forbidden work and I figured the best way to utilize its legacy to the fullest would be to shit on it in the world's least liked, least reviewed review series, Astuka Looks Back. So let's go on and see what we got.
This was back in the "Show not tell" era of my career (an era given its name by another Newgrounds user 3 years later) and so from what I could discern probably what I was going for here was one of those cool spy movie things where in the corner they tell you the date and the location. Then again, Subconsciousness was supposed to be modeled after the type of writing found in something like a Charles Dickens novel (take in mind I had never read Dickens at this point, nor any classical novel really), so it could really go either way. Also I'm pretty sure that's not what an address looks like even in Britain.
Not really that bad of description here, which is surprising seeing that this is the same time frame in which I wrote Empty World and the first draft to Guardians of Enthia. To this day I'm not sure if 3 miles is a long or short road (though I don't understand why its not in proper brit kilometers heheheheh) but what I have learned is the word "pub", which I was probably trying to replicate by saying "Ale house".
Alright, starting to slip a little here. There's a few grammar mistakes in that first sentence, and the detail is getting a little too detailed and unnecessary (do I really need to know the life cycle of the rain drops?) but overall its still fairly decent. Let's read on.
Alright I'm serious famicom, you gotta stop with this raindrop shit. Also, how did the Bolshire Mansion history aside fit into this paragraph at all? Took me for a loop thinking the plot was gonna progress and then brought me back to this dumbass detailin'.
Alright, I'm officially off the wagon. Now you're gonna have to make me do my bullet point shit:
- *entrance
- why is he holding a lamp in 2004? certainly the mansion is updated?
- "shines a large mass" what
- "grayish red"
- "other highness"
- I think 17th century is a bit late for knights dude
- "something you would see in a haunted mansion movie" is a terrible analogy for something so serious but fits with my style from this era
- "grabbed hold on the knob and turned it, causing it to open" we know how doors work this detail is 100% unnecessary
- I'm trying to picture a "large ceramic purple table" but all I'm getting is visuals of a shitty 3rd grade art project
- "passing the two granite pillars" whoa wait hold on a minute, where in the world are these pillars? are they just like, outside the door to the kitchen? wouldn't they be the centerpiece of the room and not that stupid fucking table? how in the holy fuck is this room set up?
- "just a sudden gust of wind" if you're hearing doors close due to sudden gusts of wind this far into this massive house there is definitely something wrong
Okay, that second to last part made no god damn sense. Are Mrs. Hughes and the Chef sleeping together? Is this high of scandalous behavior already being mentioned? Or is it implying that the chef just sleeps at the house, which I don't think actually happens. More importantly, why does he always keep a pocket knife* on his table? It's a massive house in the middle of no where and the only people who live in it are employing you. I'm pretty sure you're okay.
And that's where it ends. I don't really have much to say about it other than that it starts off on a high note but ends up just like any of the stories from this era. Still, I think its much better than most of them and give it credit for that.
//End
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